Allo Allo
This is the next entry about our experience buying a house in France. We want to share what we learn throughout the process so that hopefully others can learn from our experience and be encouraged on their own journey to living in France. Our process started on 19th May 2025 when we replied to an email advertising a very nice looking house for sale in the Dordogne region. 2 weeks later we were doing viewings of a pre selected list of properties and on 31st May we had an offer verbally accepted. Since then we have been in the throws of the house purchase process. This continues that story, earlier entries are available from our blog home page.
Listen Very Carefully
If you remember the UK TV comedy series Allo Allo, then you will for sure remember the phrase, “listen very carefully, I will say this only once”. The only thing that has happened with our house sale in the last week was a conversation where I for sure needed to listen very carefully. And just like in Allo Allo where they played on the strong french accents and people mis understanding what was being said, I had a similar experience.
Our house purchase is waiting on the technical reports that the sellers need to commission. These are arranged by sellers and are critical to prepare the CDV which is the formal sales contract.
This week our lovely agent Katerina, called to give us an update, the main technical report, the DDT report is scheduled later than hoped but the 2nd report is proving difficult to arrange. It’s holiday season and there is limited availability. All quite understandable, so not a problem but it was nice to be given the update and set our expectations for a delay in getting to the CDV.
Pardon, what was that!
So now for the Allo Allo moment. With her strong accent, I thought that our agent told me it was the “spunk“ report that was delayed. I asked her to repeat it and it still sounded the same. Now that is English slang for a male sexual emission, so I was rather shocked. I asked her if it was the drainage report and she confirmed that it was. Actually if you think about it, the name that I thought I heard is kind of about drainage. I mean I have had to disclose every little detail of our personal identity, financial situation and full marital history, so perhaps this is a French thing, getting a little bit more intimate personal information! I imagined being told, I am sorry sir, but we do not think you are virile enough to be buying a house in France. Take your limp celery and go back to England. Another Allo Allo themed reference.
AI to the rescue.
Trying to avoid thinking for too long about the madonna with the big boobies, another Allo Allo thing, I can say that I discovered what the report name really was. Being too embarassed to ask Katerina, I asked ChatGPT. Dear AI tool, I think I heard that the report name was this … but what was it really? AI knows everything it seems and it had no problem suggesting that the report name was a SPANC report. Kind of similar if you have the mind of a 13 year old boy like I do. But better and slightly less rude.
Oh you said SPANK!
Anyway, the drainage report is abbreviated to be called a SPANC report, which is an inspection report issued by the SPANC — Service Public d’Assainissement Non Collectif (Public Service for Non-Collective Sanitation).
SPANC is the local authority or service that oversees non-collective sanitation systems (also called assainissement non collectif, or ANC). These are used in properties that are not connected to the mains sewer system — typically rural homes with septic tanks, microstations, or similar setups.
What Does the SPANC Report Cover?
The SPANC inspection report evaluates whether the property's existing sanitation system is:
Compliant with current regulations
Functioning safely and effectively
Properly maintained
Posing any risk to the environment or public health
It includes recommendations or required upgrades if the system is deemed non-compliant.
So because the house has a septic tank, handling all the filth, we needed a spanc report! As long as they don’t assess the filth in my mind, it should be OK.
While learning French, it is listening that I definitely find most challenging but to now, I hadn’t had a problem listening in English. An amusing little thing. Now we wait for the report about how filth is handled.
